Love the sign's message. Very few roadside sermon signs around here anymore.
As for feeling weird about feeling normalcy, I get that. I stumble through some days, tired, weighed down by the political chaos I read about, and think this is how I should be... down. BUT then other days I'm feeling peppy and articulate, yet wonder shouldn't I be more down on things?
Good idea about keeping up-to-date with friends, making connections in real life and online. We're all in this together.
Glad to be in it with you, Ally. I don't think we can sustain long-term down--and that's a gift. The changes become a new normal. I don't like it, but I'm glad it can't entirely steal our joy.
Life is SO weird right now. I find myself reading Substacks like Robert Reich and Heather Cox Richardson and Hopium -- political stuff I had been avoiding the last few months -- in order to FEEL BETTER about my life. Started reading Joseph Nguyen's popular little book, Don't Believe Everything You Think, and it's helping, I think. Or maybe all of this is just to say I'm looking for someone to tell me: Geez, it's all falling apart and I'm not alone. Also, maybe there's something I can do. I send a little money to ACLU and other than that I'm just treading water here and trying not to go under. Still seeking a diagnosis for the hubs and his mental decline, still living with a person who doesn't know (or won't accept) that he's losing control. I also read Chicken Scratch, by the way (probably because you sent me there on another occasion). And my progressive church has great readerboard signs, too. This is all over the place, which is why I haven't blogged for a while. I will be back: www.bethanyareid.com -- A Habit of Writing.
Thanks for sharing your link, and I wish so much that you were in an easier place right now. The not knowing has got to be so hard. Hard on top of hard. On top of the general hard. I see the thread running through your all over the place. And I know you will be back. Sending you love.
So glad you put words down to share. Showing up as you are is its own kind of church, even with bummer burned granola! Yikes! My mom called this the ministry of failure— not that it is failure, but allowing yourself to be known and seen as less than polished and perfect can feel that way. Keeping it real. Her stance was it allowed others to then show up as themselves once you revealed yourself to be authentic.
The cognitive dissonance of the weird and oddly normal is extreme over here. I find myself gritting my teeth while reading a book or obsessing about what I will cook for dinner tomorrow. ( as of now, baked potatoes)
These touch points in writing from a friend and moments in person keep me grounded and aware of what is.
Wishing you all the nights of pain-free and peaceful sleep.
Now I know were your wisdom comes from. Your mom is so right. I've had so much cognitive dissonance in the past 6 months, on top of the national kind. I understand exactly what you mean. Too bad our teeth can't mash potatoes for us. (I couldn't live well at all without my mouth guard.)
Sending the same wishes to you. So glad to be able to be my very imperfect self with you.
Emily, your mom was wise! I have noticed that when I share personal things that don't necessarily paint me in the best light, or things I would never have shared before over fear of ridicule, or embarrassment, or being judged in some way, some people respond in turn by sharing of themselves. The more we can present ourselves as the flawed (or hurting) humans we are, the more others feel they can do the same, and I think this builds connections and gives power to those who felt they couldn't speak up. It's like taking back power for ourselves, not letting certain groups of people and societal structures dictate how we should feel and behave.
I feel like maybe I’ve mentioned this to you before, but when we lived in Minnesota we went to church for a short time. The kids were maybe 4 and 6 and I was struggling and feeling the need for community and just happened to hear about a denomination called Unitarian Universalist, where atheists were welcomed, and there just so happened to be a UU church in our city. Unfortunately the congregation was cliquey and we didn’t actually *feel* welcomed, so we stopped going after about a year. (My husband wasn’t ever totally sold on this use of a Sunday morning, so that made the not going easier.) The reason I’m mentioning this is because I think (perhaps idealistically!) that if you truly feel welcomed by the church community, I don’t think it actually matters if you’re an atheist; however, if you don’t really feel welcome, but you still want the community a church can offer, then perhaps there’s a UU church nearby. No guarantee that the community will be welcoming, but at least the atheism isn’t a problem.
The wanting to want is something that really resonates with me. For what it’s worth I always love it when I see a post from you land in my inbox, so selfishly I’m glad you take the time to put words down in this space instead of focusing only on projects that seem/are more important. Part of the reason I left blogging was because of anxiety, but I was also determined to work at writing something bigger. And for a time, I did, but I seem to have given up and I can’t help but wonder if wanting to want was hiding just under the surface the entire time.
Regarding small connections, funnily enough, even before reading Elizabeth’s lovely piece, I was put in mind of slow grocery checkout lanes (introduced in the Netherlands a few years ago). Those small interactions really do matter! As do your words here, Rita.
And I always love it when I see a comment from you in my inbox. 💜
I first heard "wanting to want" from my son, and I've realized how much of my earlier life was spent in that state. When you're raised to be good, it is so hard to know what we really want, isn't it?
There are things about our church that I really appreciate, and while I haven't been very out about my atheism I know it would not be an issue for anyone else. (I did meet with the pastor soon after I started attending, to talk about it.) We feel so welcomed there, and as we are getting to know others I feel more and more comfortable. (It was hard for me to walk in cold to a place where I knew no one!) I probably need to give it more time and get more comfortable with being out of my comfort zone.
Your note got me to look into the UU church, though, and there are a few in our city. It sounds like a potentially even better alignment for me, but a big part of what I really like about the church we've been attending is that it's right by our house. We walk to church, and two of the neighbors on our block go there, too. It hasn't really changed anything about what we are doing or how we are living, but knowing these two neighbors just a bit more changes a lot how I feel in the neighborhood. The UU churches aren't close to home. I think it's good for me to be learning some things about forging bonds even when something isn't exactly right, if that makes sense? It's great to know about this other church, though. Thanks for pointing me in that direction.
I'd never heard of slow checkout! Googled that, too, and I just love that. All we have here are express checkout lanes. That feels so telling.
And (saving the most important for last), you know that I loved your writing when you were doing it. If it's ever something you want to do again (for real wanting), I will be so happy to read your work.
It sounds like the church in your neighbourhood is a good (enough) fit for all the right reasons. (I am all about "good enough" for most things in life.) Walking to it would be important to me too. We had to drive to get to the UU church all those years ago, and it was actually the cold winter mornings that got to my husband, because he saw that as a loss of skiing time with our kids! I had a talk with my Dutch aunt one time about her not quite believing and yet going to church all the same, and she said she went because otherwise none of the neighbours would speak to her. I don't think she meant it literally--that she would be shunned if she didn't go--but rather that community life would kind of be going on without her participating, if that makes sense.
That's quite the wisdom from your son. I don't think I *ever* knew what I really wanted as a child. Yes, being raised to be good (and being scared to be bad, which sounds the same but really isn't, and perhaps cuts even deeper) doesn't afford a child the space to figure any of this out. (I think hypernormalization can also occur at the family level. Just sayin'.)
I have to admit I have often wondered if I could share my writing with you. I really appreciate your offer, and I'm going to give that some thought.
Yes, what your aunt said--or was getting at--makes total sense, and there might be a little speck of that in what I'm seeing about church, too. I think people go to church for all kinds of reasons. My mother goes because it is important to my dad, and I think that's a fine reason.
I had not considered hypernormalization at the family level, but as soon as I saw. your words I thought, of course. Of course. The same with being scared to be bad. No, it is not the same thing. (I wish we didn't share knowing this.)
I am here for your writing at any time, in any way you want to share it.
I am a big fan of doing things with, or near, people, without being compelled to become friends with them. As in, the volunteering I’ve done, the bike club I am thinking about joining, working regularly at the same coffeeshop and being a familiar face there. I’m not one who needs a lot of friends, am happy with the people in my life, but do still want to be out in the world, in proximity. You know, like how it feels to be at a concert, to feel connected to people even though you are only there and really talking to the one or two people you actually went with. It’s like reading, too, feeling connected to people without the actual social interaction. All these things sound like church to me.
And man, oh man, that hypernormalization thing. So true!!
Thanks for the words. I love your words. I feel connected to you through all these words we share online. Hope you sleep better tonight. 💜
You people-in-proximity point makes me think of the parallel play we have discussed. I like to be with folks sharing a common interest, goal, or purpose and to be connected that way. Having online friends that are dear friends is new for me!
I think you are describing a big part of what church feels like to me. I also like coffeeshops and movie theaters for the same reason. I don't necessarily want to talk to other people, but I like to be around them. While I don't believe in the god of religion (the kind I was raised in), I do believe there is something holy and powerful that exists between us. I often feel it in public places.
I love your words, too. They are balm in the hypernormalization.
“I don't necessarily want to talk to other people, but I like to be around them.” My wife and I talk about this a lot. We feel like we *should* socialize more, but we really just want to be at home with our pup reading and doing word searches and watching a show. But also: is this hyper normalization?
If it's hypernormalization, I've been living in it my whole life! But thanks to a comment from Marian (above), I'm now thinking about hypernormalization as something that can exist in a family...
I don't like pathologizing things that are just differences. My husband and I also sometimes talk about how we should socialize more. We are both quiet, introverted people, and for years we were both teaching and raising kids. We didn't have any energy for socializing. We enjoy it with the right people, but it's depleting, too. Now that I'm retired and we're not caring for kids, we are a bit more social. My retirement has meant more ease for him, as he has fewer domestic chores on his plate.
So my next question is: Have we been living within hypernormalization for our whole lives and just not known it?
Just finished another year of teaching and still with a kid at home and one who is straddling boyhood and adulthood--I'm tired. Rita, I always love reading what you write. No matter the content, it resonates with me. You write so neatly, many things that I feel but can't untangle and it makes me feel less isolated. I relate to what you write about connecting and while I have many connections, there often feels like an invisible barrier. Like the air between an air hockey table and the puck. Anyways, keep it up.
Maggie! I had no idea you'd followed me to this new online space. Thank you so much for this note. It makes my day.
I get the tired, Maggie, I really do. I would say "I don't know how you do it" but I used to hate it when people said things like that to me, when there didn't seem to be any choice about doing it. I get the invisible barrier, too (and love your metaphor about the air hockey table). So glad you're on break, and I hope so much that it is restorative. Let's keep checking in with each other. As more time goes on, I feel more and more grateful for connections with those I knew when we were just beginning to be humans.
Rita, you mentioned in your Chicken Scratch comment that my recent piece spawned some related thinking, but wow! What a pleasure to see how you brought so many other threads together for consideration, especially hypernormalization.
I'd say we've lived with that for almost as long as I can imagine, though it has grown into a kind of cancer. I may not have felt it back in the 70s or 80s; I was a kid who wasn't intrinsically inclined to notice the marginalized, and I grew up in a family that 'did the right thing' to support people of lesser means but who were also completely invested in a life of white privilege. (Sidebar: I just went looking to remind myself who the presidents were during those years and see that we had only ONE Democrat, Jimmy Carter, from '77-81. So my Republican parents were just fine with that kind of normal, not that this is really entirely about political parties.) In fact, I think the system thrives on having citizens who pretty much take what they're given without resistance. Add in the massive neurological overhaul we're experiencing as a result of Smartphones and social media, and you've got all the components of what feels like a global (or at least societal) case of disassociation. One hope I have is that the chaos we're in now will snap people back to attention.
Anyway, I love that you are finding ways to cultivate connection, be it through church, check-out lines, or some other means. And I appreciate how you consistently examine what's working and not working for you, but also DO something about trying to change what isn't. That's exceptional. In the comments you wrote, "it is so hard to know what we really want, isn't it? Yes! And I sometimes feel so inept because of it.
I hope your head is feeling better. Soft, non-ouchy applause for getting these thoughts out of there and onto the page. You are a beacon for those of us who know we want more than status quo. Thank you.
It embarrasses me now, how long it took for me to see the kinds of things you are writing about here. I've lived my whole life in the Pacific Northwest, where it was easy for people like me to believe the things I did because most everyone looked like me. And those who didn't assimilated into our dominant culture, so much so that I didn't realize there was a dominant culture. (This, despite the fact that my dad's closest friend was Mexican-American, and different branches of my family retained aspects of different cultures from my first-generation American grandparents.) It is hard to see racism when just about everyone is white and no one teaches you that happened by design, through exclusionary laws. As a kid growing up in the 70's, there were so many things telling me that racism existed only in the southern states. That was a thing I wanted to believe. So, yes, I agree with you about hypernormalization. I think what's different now is that people more like me are finally feeling threatened and excluded in ways that used to be reserved for others. The pretenses of fairness and equal opportunity have been abandoned. There's cognitive dissonance in that, and disassociation, and grief.
I don't feel very exceptional, but I am exceptionally grateful to have others (like you!) to think through these things with. I am always wondering now, what I am missing/not seeing now that will be painfully obvious in another 10 years? Maybe we can help each other see them sooner than later? That's something I do know I want.
Head is OK today. (yay!) I hope you are doing well, too. Take care--
I really appreciate you sharing this—so much of what you said resonates. The idea that racism only exists in the south, and (coming from a southerner) isn't found in families who are nice to people of color, is absolutely something I'm still unpacking. I really appreciate the idea of continuing to ask: What am I not seeing now? I’m grateful we can keep asking it together. So glad your head is OK today—sending warmth.
UCC was the church my grandparents and mother attended regularly growing up. It’s also where my first wedding was held. I do like their stance on things. I went to church regularly for a time in my 20s, and then again in my 40s. I don’t anymore. I believe I’m agnostic. There’s a lot to unpack for me.
All of this is to say — we went to church for community, for fellowship, and it was really hard to find it there. So I felt your words today.
I also felt your migraine words too. We are two peas in a pod. So many times I’ve wished we lived close enough to meet for coffee. I hope someday we can. I should start a note on my phone of all the things to talk about if we ever do meet — maybe that will help manifest it. ☕💜
A lot to unpack for me, too. I've barely scratched the surface here. I've done a little reading about UCC, and I do feel aligned with their values. I think the UU church Marian mentioned in another comment is probably an even better fit. I think I will need to try going deeper with this church community before I can really know if it will work for me. They do really good work in our community, and I want to support that.
Manifest hard, my friend! I would love to meet for coffee. (Though it will have to be herbal tea for me; no caffeine because: migraines. ugh) Hope your head is treating you well today.
Rita, I love that we live nowhere near each other yet have connected via writing, but there is also importance in connecting to others in your physical space. I'm thinking of your words: “knowing and being known by others who live where I live.” I think there is more of a connection to place when there is familiarity between the people who live there, a groundedness maybe, especially if the people all want similar things in life. It’s nice also to know there are people who live near you who might have your back, provide you with support when needed, and that you would do the same for them. We need that more than ever now, I think, on a day-to-day basis and in times of stress.
As for the #1000wordsofsummer, I gave up counting to focus more on writing, and reading, and thinking about writing, and researching, and all the things that I think will make me a better writer without necessarily writing. It also takes conscious effort for me to keep track of words – I’m not a counter by nature – but I somehow thought this is something “real” writers do, so I should too. There’s some of that wanting to want going on I think! If wanting to want means doing things we think we should be doing instead of what we actually want to do, then maybe we should just fuhgeddaboudit.
I hope your head is better these days and you’ve been able to sleep. Life is that much harder with pained heads and sleep-deprived body-minds.
I love the intimacy and urgency here, and I hear you. Today was one of those days when I wrote, yes, but not the thing I want to want to write …. but I wrote … I’m in Spain, it’s weird here too, it’s all weird at the moment… I’ve been thinking about moving to Albania 🫠
Love the sign's message. Very few roadside sermon signs around here anymore.
As for feeling weird about feeling normalcy, I get that. I stumble through some days, tired, weighed down by the political chaos I read about, and think this is how I should be... down. BUT then other days I'm feeling peppy and articulate, yet wonder shouldn't I be more down on things?
Good idea about keeping up-to-date with friends, making connections in real life and online. We're all in this together.
Glad to be in it with you, Ally. I don't think we can sustain long-term down--and that's a gift. The changes become a new normal. I don't like it, but I'm glad it can't entirely steal our joy.
Life is SO weird right now. I find myself reading Substacks like Robert Reich and Heather Cox Richardson and Hopium -- political stuff I had been avoiding the last few months -- in order to FEEL BETTER about my life. Started reading Joseph Nguyen's popular little book, Don't Believe Everything You Think, and it's helping, I think. Or maybe all of this is just to say I'm looking for someone to tell me: Geez, it's all falling apart and I'm not alone. Also, maybe there's something I can do. I send a little money to ACLU and other than that I'm just treading water here and trying not to go under. Still seeking a diagnosis for the hubs and his mental decline, still living with a person who doesn't know (or won't accept) that he's losing control. I also read Chicken Scratch, by the way (probably because you sent me there on another occasion). And my progressive church has great readerboard signs, too. This is all over the place, which is why I haven't blogged for a while. I will be back: www.bethanyareid.com -- A Habit of Writing.
Thanks for sharing your link, and I wish so much that you were in an easier place right now. The not knowing has got to be so hard. Hard on top of hard. On top of the general hard. I see the thread running through your all over the place. And I know you will be back. Sending you love.
So glad you put words down to share. Showing up as you are is its own kind of church, even with bummer burned granola! Yikes! My mom called this the ministry of failure— not that it is failure, but allowing yourself to be known and seen as less than polished and perfect can feel that way. Keeping it real. Her stance was it allowed others to then show up as themselves once you revealed yourself to be authentic.
The cognitive dissonance of the weird and oddly normal is extreme over here. I find myself gritting my teeth while reading a book or obsessing about what I will cook for dinner tomorrow. ( as of now, baked potatoes)
These touch points in writing from a friend and moments in person keep me grounded and aware of what is.
Wishing you all the nights of pain-free and peaceful sleep.
Yes to the ministry of failure! The bunnies have me feeling like that in terms of our perennials.
💜
Hah! We have decided that we are growing the strawberries for the bunnies, not for ourselves. And now, we are excellent berry growers!
You are better that us/me. I really want to see some flowers! Hahaha.
I think I would have a harder time conceding flowers, which makes no sense. But probably says a lot about me as a gardener.
I'm a very lazy gardener and have planted only things the bunnies won't like, and hope they'll just eat the weeds!
Now I know were your wisdom comes from. Your mom is so right. I've had so much cognitive dissonance in the past 6 months, on top of the national kind. I understand exactly what you mean. Too bad our teeth can't mash potatoes for us. (I couldn't live well at all without my mouth guard.)
Sending the same wishes to you. So glad to be able to be my very imperfect self with you.
💜
Emily, your mom was wise! I have noticed that when I share personal things that don't necessarily paint me in the best light, or things I would never have shared before over fear of ridicule, or embarrassment, or being judged in some way, some people respond in turn by sharing of themselves. The more we can present ourselves as the flawed (or hurting) humans we are, the more others feel they can do the same, and I think this builds connections and gives power to those who felt they couldn't speak up. It's like taking back power for ourselves, not letting certain groups of people and societal structures dictate how we should feel and behave.
Here, here!
I feel like maybe I’ve mentioned this to you before, but when we lived in Minnesota we went to church for a short time. The kids were maybe 4 and 6 and I was struggling and feeling the need for community and just happened to hear about a denomination called Unitarian Universalist, where atheists were welcomed, and there just so happened to be a UU church in our city. Unfortunately the congregation was cliquey and we didn’t actually *feel* welcomed, so we stopped going after about a year. (My husband wasn’t ever totally sold on this use of a Sunday morning, so that made the not going easier.) The reason I’m mentioning this is because I think (perhaps idealistically!) that if you truly feel welcomed by the church community, I don’t think it actually matters if you’re an atheist; however, if you don’t really feel welcome, but you still want the community a church can offer, then perhaps there’s a UU church nearby. No guarantee that the community will be welcoming, but at least the atheism isn’t a problem.
The wanting to want is something that really resonates with me. For what it’s worth I always love it when I see a post from you land in my inbox, so selfishly I’m glad you take the time to put words down in this space instead of focusing only on projects that seem/are more important. Part of the reason I left blogging was because of anxiety, but I was also determined to work at writing something bigger. And for a time, I did, but I seem to have given up and I can’t help but wonder if wanting to want was hiding just under the surface the entire time.
Regarding small connections, funnily enough, even before reading Elizabeth’s lovely piece, I was put in mind of slow grocery checkout lanes (introduced in the Netherlands a few years ago). Those small interactions really do matter! As do your words here, Rita.
And I always love it when I see a comment from you in my inbox. 💜
I first heard "wanting to want" from my son, and I've realized how much of my earlier life was spent in that state. When you're raised to be good, it is so hard to know what we really want, isn't it?
There are things about our church that I really appreciate, and while I haven't been very out about my atheism I know it would not be an issue for anyone else. (I did meet with the pastor soon after I started attending, to talk about it.) We feel so welcomed there, and as we are getting to know others I feel more and more comfortable. (It was hard for me to walk in cold to a place where I knew no one!) I probably need to give it more time and get more comfortable with being out of my comfort zone.
Your note got me to look into the UU church, though, and there are a few in our city. It sounds like a potentially even better alignment for me, but a big part of what I really like about the church we've been attending is that it's right by our house. We walk to church, and two of the neighbors on our block go there, too. It hasn't really changed anything about what we are doing or how we are living, but knowing these two neighbors just a bit more changes a lot how I feel in the neighborhood. The UU churches aren't close to home. I think it's good for me to be learning some things about forging bonds even when something isn't exactly right, if that makes sense? It's great to know about this other church, though. Thanks for pointing me in that direction.
I'd never heard of slow checkout! Googled that, too, and I just love that. All we have here are express checkout lanes. That feels so telling.
And (saving the most important for last), you know that I loved your writing when you were doing it. If it's ever something you want to do again (for real wanting), I will be so happy to read your work.
It sounds like the church in your neighbourhood is a good (enough) fit for all the right reasons. (I am all about "good enough" for most things in life.) Walking to it would be important to me too. We had to drive to get to the UU church all those years ago, and it was actually the cold winter mornings that got to my husband, because he saw that as a loss of skiing time with our kids! I had a talk with my Dutch aunt one time about her not quite believing and yet going to church all the same, and she said she went because otherwise none of the neighbours would speak to her. I don't think she meant it literally--that she would be shunned if she didn't go--but rather that community life would kind of be going on without her participating, if that makes sense.
That's quite the wisdom from your son. I don't think I *ever* knew what I really wanted as a child. Yes, being raised to be good (and being scared to be bad, which sounds the same but really isn't, and perhaps cuts even deeper) doesn't afford a child the space to figure any of this out. (I think hypernormalization can also occur at the family level. Just sayin'.)
I have to admit I have often wondered if I could share my writing with you. I really appreciate your offer, and I'm going to give that some thought.
Yes, what your aunt said--or was getting at--makes total sense, and there might be a little speck of that in what I'm seeing about church, too. I think people go to church for all kinds of reasons. My mother goes because it is important to my dad, and I think that's a fine reason.
I had not considered hypernormalization at the family level, but as soon as I saw. your words I thought, of course. Of course. The same with being scared to be bad. No, it is not the same thing. (I wish we didn't share knowing this.)
I am here for your writing at any time, in any way you want to share it.
I am a big fan of doing things with, or near, people, without being compelled to become friends with them. As in, the volunteering I’ve done, the bike club I am thinking about joining, working regularly at the same coffeeshop and being a familiar face there. I’m not one who needs a lot of friends, am happy with the people in my life, but do still want to be out in the world, in proximity. You know, like how it feels to be at a concert, to feel connected to people even though you are only there and really talking to the one or two people you actually went with. It’s like reading, too, feeling connected to people without the actual social interaction. All these things sound like church to me.
And man, oh man, that hypernormalization thing. So true!!
Thanks for the words. I love your words. I feel connected to you through all these words we share online. Hope you sleep better tonight. 💜
You people-in-proximity point makes me think of the parallel play we have discussed. I like to be with folks sharing a common interest, goal, or purpose and to be connected that way. Having online friends that are dear friends is new for me!
Agreed to all of the above!
yes yes yes!
I think you are describing a big part of what church feels like to me. I also like coffeeshops and movie theaters for the same reason. I don't necessarily want to talk to other people, but I like to be around them. While I don't believe in the god of religion (the kind I was raised in), I do believe there is something holy and powerful that exists between us. I often feel it in public places.
I love your words, too. They are balm in the hypernormalization.
“I don't necessarily want to talk to other people, but I like to be around them.” My wife and I talk about this a lot. We feel like we *should* socialize more, but we really just want to be at home with our pup reading and doing word searches and watching a show. But also: is this hyper normalization?
If it's hypernormalization, I've been living in it my whole life! But thanks to a comment from Marian (above), I'm now thinking about hypernormalization as something that can exist in a family...
I don't like pathologizing things that are just differences. My husband and I also sometimes talk about how we should socialize more. We are both quiet, introverted people, and for years we were both teaching and raising kids. We didn't have any energy for socializing. We enjoy it with the right people, but it's depleting, too. Now that I'm retired and we're not caring for kids, we are a bit more social. My retirement has meant more ease for him, as he has fewer domestic chores on his plate.
So my next question is: Have we been living within hypernormalization for our whole lives and just not known it?
Just finished another year of teaching and still with a kid at home and one who is straddling boyhood and adulthood--I'm tired. Rita, I always love reading what you write. No matter the content, it resonates with me. You write so neatly, many things that I feel but can't untangle and it makes me feel less isolated. I relate to what you write about connecting and while I have many connections, there often feels like an invisible barrier. Like the air between an air hockey table and the puck. Anyways, keep it up.
Maggie! I had no idea you'd followed me to this new online space. Thank you so much for this note. It makes my day.
I get the tired, Maggie, I really do. I would say "I don't know how you do it" but I used to hate it when people said things like that to me, when there didn't seem to be any choice about doing it. I get the invisible barrier, too (and love your metaphor about the air hockey table). So glad you're on break, and I hope so much that it is restorative. Let's keep checking in with each other. As more time goes on, I feel more and more grateful for connections with those I knew when we were just beginning to be humans.
Rita, you mentioned in your Chicken Scratch comment that my recent piece spawned some related thinking, but wow! What a pleasure to see how you brought so many other threads together for consideration, especially hypernormalization.
I'd say we've lived with that for almost as long as I can imagine, though it has grown into a kind of cancer. I may not have felt it back in the 70s or 80s; I was a kid who wasn't intrinsically inclined to notice the marginalized, and I grew up in a family that 'did the right thing' to support people of lesser means but who were also completely invested in a life of white privilege. (Sidebar: I just went looking to remind myself who the presidents were during those years and see that we had only ONE Democrat, Jimmy Carter, from '77-81. So my Republican parents were just fine with that kind of normal, not that this is really entirely about political parties.) In fact, I think the system thrives on having citizens who pretty much take what they're given without resistance. Add in the massive neurological overhaul we're experiencing as a result of Smartphones and social media, and you've got all the components of what feels like a global (or at least societal) case of disassociation. One hope I have is that the chaos we're in now will snap people back to attention.
Anyway, I love that you are finding ways to cultivate connection, be it through church, check-out lines, or some other means. And I appreciate how you consistently examine what's working and not working for you, but also DO something about trying to change what isn't. That's exceptional. In the comments you wrote, "it is so hard to know what we really want, isn't it? Yes! And I sometimes feel so inept because of it.
I hope your head is feeling better. Soft, non-ouchy applause for getting these thoughts out of there and onto the page. You are a beacon for those of us who know we want more than status quo. Thank you.
It embarrasses me now, how long it took for me to see the kinds of things you are writing about here. I've lived my whole life in the Pacific Northwest, where it was easy for people like me to believe the things I did because most everyone looked like me. And those who didn't assimilated into our dominant culture, so much so that I didn't realize there was a dominant culture. (This, despite the fact that my dad's closest friend was Mexican-American, and different branches of my family retained aspects of different cultures from my first-generation American grandparents.) It is hard to see racism when just about everyone is white and no one teaches you that happened by design, through exclusionary laws. As a kid growing up in the 70's, there were so many things telling me that racism existed only in the southern states. That was a thing I wanted to believe. So, yes, I agree with you about hypernormalization. I think what's different now is that people more like me are finally feeling threatened and excluded in ways that used to be reserved for others. The pretenses of fairness and equal opportunity have been abandoned. There's cognitive dissonance in that, and disassociation, and grief.
I don't feel very exceptional, but I am exceptionally grateful to have others (like you!) to think through these things with. I am always wondering now, what I am missing/not seeing now that will be painfully obvious in another 10 years? Maybe we can help each other see them sooner than later? That's something I do know I want.
Head is OK today. (yay!) I hope you are doing well, too. Take care--
I really appreciate you sharing this—so much of what you said resonates. The idea that racism only exists in the south, and (coming from a southerner) isn't found in families who are nice to people of color, is absolutely something I'm still unpacking. I really appreciate the idea of continuing to ask: What am I not seeing now? I’m grateful we can keep asking it together. So glad your head is OK today—sending warmth.
UCC was the church my grandparents and mother attended regularly growing up. It’s also where my first wedding was held. I do like their stance on things. I went to church regularly for a time in my 20s, and then again in my 40s. I don’t anymore. I believe I’m agnostic. There’s a lot to unpack for me.
All of this is to say — we went to church for community, for fellowship, and it was really hard to find it there. So I felt your words today.
I also felt your migraine words too. We are two peas in a pod. So many times I’ve wished we lived close enough to meet for coffee. I hope someday we can. I should start a note on my phone of all the things to talk about if we ever do meet — maybe that will help manifest it. ☕💜
A lot to unpack for me, too. I've barely scratched the surface here. I've done a little reading about UCC, and I do feel aligned with their values. I think the UU church Marian mentioned in another comment is probably an even better fit. I think I will need to try going deeper with this church community before I can really know if it will work for me. They do really good work in our community, and I want to support that.
Manifest hard, my friend! I would love to meet for coffee. (Though it will have to be herbal tea for me; no caffeine because: migraines. ugh) Hope your head is treating you well today.
Rita, I love that we live nowhere near each other yet have connected via writing, but there is also importance in connecting to others in your physical space. I'm thinking of your words: “knowing and being known by others who live where I live.” I think there is more of a connection to place when there is familiarity between the people who live there, a groundedness maybe, especially if the people all want similar things in life. It’s nice also to know there are people who live near you who might have your back, provide you with support when needed, and that you would do the same for them. We need that more than ever now, I think, on a day-to-day basis and in times of stress.
As for the #1000wordsofsummer, I gave up counting to focus more on writing, and reading, and thinking about writing, and researching, and all the things that I think will make me a better writer without necessarily writing. It also takes conscious effort for me to keep track of words – I’m not a counter by nature – but I somehow thought this is something “real” writers do, so I should too. There’s some of that wanting to want going on I think! If wanting to want means doing things we think we should be doing instead of what we actually want to do, then maybe we should just fuhgeddaboudit.
I hope your head is better these days and you’ve been able to sleep. Life is that much harder with pained heads and sleep-deprived body-minds.
I love the intimacy and urgency here, and I hear you. Today was one of those days when I wrote, yes, but not the thing I want to want to write …. but I wrote … I’m in Spain, it’s weird here too, it’s all weird at the moment… I’ve been thinking about moving to Albania 🫠