I am tired
We all have finite resources, and knowing what we won’t use them on is as important as knowing what we will.
I am tired of being whiplashed every four years by a small slice of the electorate that seemingly doesn’t inform itself of basic facts, much less develop a cohesive political philosophy, and casts votes based primarily on their of-the-moment whims, feelings, and self-interest.
I am tired of pundits and all of their bloviating punditry.
I am tired of all the Joe Rogans of this world and even more tired of all the people who listen to them.
I am tired of politicians’ speeches full of air and empty promises they are unlikely to fulfill. I am more tired of politician’s speeches full of lies and dark promises they have amassed the power to fulfill.
I am tired of finger-pointing and infighting among people who want the same things, among people who should know better and do better but daily prove themselves to be just as susceptible to the manipulations of those with power as those who vote for their common adversaries.
I am tired of incivility, of rudeness, and of selfish, petty meanness.
I am tired of social media full of toxic Tiktoks and hot takes and bots and trolls, and I am tired of how much time and attention so many of the people who get to decide all our fates spend feeding their minds and hearts with it.
I am tired of people who stick their fingers in their ears and sing kumbaya and tell the rest of us that love is going to fix all of this. And then go about living their privileged lives as they always have.
I am tired of waiting for shoes to drop, of fighting reality, of listening to those who can’t or won’t be convinced of what reality is.
I wrote last about not fixing problems I have no power to impact, and today I still think it’s important to be clear about what we cannot individually do. I cannot educate the entire electorate. I cannot stop foreign bots and the attack on our information systems. I can make neither the pundits nor the politicians shut up or go away. I cannot unite members of the left, or the working class, or women (much less unite the left, the working class, and women into some kind of powerful whole). I cannot make people be nice to each other on the internet, on the roads, or in their thoughts. I cannot stop what is coming at us, which—to be clear—has long been here, but is now a hopped up on steroids version of itself. Neither can any of us, on our own.
The only thing we can absolutely control is ourselves and our responses to all the things we cannot control.
My wise and very grounded friend Kate (who I am not going to link to because I don’t think she would appreciate it) posted a short video yesterday that is the opposite of all the things on my list of tiring things. She was calm, and thoughtful, and very, very firm and clear in stating her desire and intention not to engage on the issues that matter to her with those who voted against the rights and dignity of all who have been targeted by the incoming regime. She did not demonize them or belittle them or shame them. She just drew a firm line between those who are and are not her people, and stated her intention not to cross it. There’s not a lot of nuance required to know which side of her line you are on. There’s a lot I don’t know right now, but going forward, for now at least, I am pretty sure that it will serve me and others well to be more like Kate.
It feels good and right to be able to say that all of the things on my list of tiring things are simply not for me: swing voters, MAGAs, pundits, broadcast news, personality-based influencers and their acolytes, politicians, finger-pointers, toxic social media posters, and peddlers of shallow positivity. My work in this world doesn’t require me to engage with them on the things that matter to me, and they zap my ability to do that work. There are other ways to know what’s going on, to be a source of good, and to make the best of whatever this life we’re all living together is going to be.
As I continue to process and work to understand what’s happening, I keep thinking about something I learned long ago that helped me make the decision to choose a small life: Saying no is always a way of saying yes. We all have finite resources, and knowing what we won’t use them on is as important as knowing what we will. It’s OK to limit, as much as possible, all those tiring things from my life.
If I am not having to use my resources to repair what it takes me to fight causes that are lost before they begin, it gives me more ability to say yes to fight for causes I can win. It means I can nurture relationships and care for those I love (and the people they love); be a good steward of the things that are mine to protect; carefully curate the people and information sources I allow into my sphere; make art; speak truth; pursue health; be kind to everyone I encounter; and cultivate joy for myself and others. I will still be tired, but I hope the right kind of tired.
And look, I—like all of us—am a work in progress. I am imperfect in doing all the things I listed in the last paragraph, and I can hardly bear to go back and read many things I wrote in the aftermath of 2016. There was so much I didn’t yet know or understand then, and it may well be that 8 years from now I will think back to this time and wonder how I could still be so naive and wrong about so many things. But this is what feels right today. We all, always, have the right to change our minds when we get new information.
Please—if you feel able and safe and so inclined—share what you say yes or no to now. What you want to say yes and no to as we go forward from today. I would love for us to expand our thinking and learn from each other.
But (and this is hard for a recovering people-pleaser such as myself to say) only if you are on my side of my line, which is the same as Kate’s line. If you aren’t, please feel free to go live your own best life, with your own people. Boundaries are healthy, and if ever there was a time for drawing lines, it is now. A valuable mentor once advised me that to be a change agent in the world, we can’t be liked by everyone. The key is to be liked by the people who want the things you want. If you’re here, I hope we want the same things—even if we might have different ideas about how to achieve them.
With love and care—
Rita
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YES to inviting friends over to make food together and talk, especially those who live alone. YES to live music as it energizes me. NO to being a sounding board for random acquaintances/coworkers looking to talk about themselves. NO to any man offering unsolicited ANYTHING. Please stay away. I don't want your input right now or possibly ever.
Thank you for showing up, again and again, even when tired. Interesting— I drew a big line in the sand on Facebook yesterday, too. I said my words bite now, I bite now, and if anyone was celebrating yesterday, or quietly relieved, to unfriendly me. I said I would no longer soften myself to be more palatable. If they were for what was elected, they would be inconvenienced in my space. I blocked two accounts. It seems small, and like a privilege-y thing, but as a southern woman by birth, it is in my dna to make myself uncomfortable in order to make others comfortable. That’s called being polite. But, I am a life raft for family in the crosshairs of this incoming administration, on multiple fronts, and that politeness makes me lose air. I am done. My energy goes to protect my people now, and the rest can sort themselves out when their candidate turns on them next.