Rita!!!!! Oh my gosh I am so glad you wrote this. It feels like you were waiting to write it just this way and at just this moment. It reads like it was written for me, and I bet every person reading it will feel the same way. The Benetton- esque varsity sweater and the details of the dismissive but co-opting ex, the yuk yuk editors, the professionalism of the Playboy staff, the lead up to now- so freaking powerful. Thank you thank you for writing this. It is amazing.
Thank you, Emily. I'm so glad it felt the way it felt to you, and to have a reader such as you. I really worked in this to apply the lessons we've been learning in WITD, especially the ones about trusting our readers to connect the dots.
If you'll pardon me glomming on, I 100% agree! Any writer knows crafting a piece like this, one that reaches deep into the past but ties seamlessly to the present, takes planning, patience, a wide lens, and no small amount of resolve. Nicely done, Rita!
Lots to think about with this piece, Rita. Coincidentally, I read another essay just this past week — https://www.restorationbulletin.com/p/three-paradoxes-of-feminism — which also discussed the assertion that "sex work is work." I wonder if the place a woman lands on this argument (as well as on the subject of pornography—whether it's empowerment or exploitation), depends less on whether they place themselves on the political right or left, but instead hinges more on what they themselves have experienced over the course of their life. I'm two years younger than you and I consider myself a staunch feminist (and am firmly on the left politically), but I believe pornography and prostitution are hugely damaging not just to girls and women but to society at large. (I also, I admit, am resentful that some feminists have taken up the sex-work-is-work cause when they have seemingly completely abandoned the work-done-in-the-home-is-work cause.)
My hope with the piece is that it would provide more questions (things to think about) than answers. I also believe that pornography and prostitution are damaging to everyone, for a variety of reasons--but also that as long as we live in the systems we do it will exist. I linked to different perspectives on "sex work is work" in the footnotes, including an argument against this idea. In my reading I don't encounter feminists who argue that work done in the home isn't work; it's the opposite. But I do see critiques of the ways in which the reality that domestic labor is labor is being used to try to push women back into traditional gender roles. I think this piece is very much about women of our generation, or at least, the kind of woman I was (white, middle-class, protected in ways I wasn't aware of until much later). I remember becoming a mother at the height of what was called "the Mommy wars," when feminist ideas were used to divide us. Ultimately, I hope that's what this piece of writing I've made is really about--seeing through the ways in which women are judged, so that we can be supportive of each other.
Hi Rita--new reader here. There is a good deal in your closing paragraph that I disagree with and wanted to only respond to your comments about women having the right to decide how their bodies are used. If we look at the creation of human beings in a utilitarian way we strip them of their Imago Dei--images of God made to reflect Him in the world.
Normalizing pornography--its creation or use of/viewing--will only lead to more destruction in this country...
Some thoughts from the National Institute of Health on the matter, for reference:
"Internet pornography provides explicit content in various forms and can progress from habit to addiction. The consumption of online porn has risen due to the general use of current technology. The main reasons people consume it are sexual arousal and sexual enhancement. We planned this review study to identify the reasons for online pornography utilization, the mechanisms involved in its addiction, and its physiological, emotional, behavioral, social, and substance abuse effects. After a detailed literature search using PubMed Central and Google Scholar, four case studies and nine original articles from 2000 to 2022 were included. The main findings of the literature demonstrated that watching porn was most frequently done out of boredom, for sexual gratification, and to pick up new fashion and behavior ideas from these movies. In all facets of the users' lives, negative consequences were seen."
Sex work is work, yes, but fraught with violence, fear and entrapment because of sex trafficking, something that is running rampant in my Seattleland neighborhood. There is nothing good to say about it.
Also, Project 2025 from the Heritage Foundation might be a response to this:
"In his first 12 months in office, President Joe Biden has shown himself to be more aggressive on international social policy than either Barack Obama or Bill Clinton."
I'm so glad that I found some unexpected time to read this. I was waiting to pick up a friend and so glad that she was running late so that I could finish reading it on my phone. Why do we all judge our younger selves so harshly? I know I do. There was so much we didn't understand, not because we were stupid, but because we were young at a certain time in a certain place. On the craft level, if I may say so, this is beautifully structured -- a complicated timeline to manage. So many wonderful details -- I especially loved enjoying how your high heels sounded on the pavement. And a killer title. (And the white pantyhose! I had forgotten about them.) Thanks for this.
The white pantyhose were everything, weren't they? 🙂 Pantyhose! So grateful to younger women for moving us past those. I am working on not judging my younger self so harshly; I really did feel such shame (at least initially) at some parts of the original article I wrote. I didn't want to include a photo of it, but I want to accept my younger self in the same ways I accepted my young students when I was a teacher, or the ways I accept my children. And thank you so much for comments about craft. I worked hard at it! And a compliment on that from you means so much to me. I often read your essays first for enjoyment, and then as a lesson in craft.
You were in a sorority‽ Oh that makes me smile. I was GDI [gosh darned independent] so my college memories are not like yours, although those hose in the last photo are familiar. I did nod my head in agreement about your assessment of who you were then, have come to be now. I completely agree: "but what is the world if not an anthology of small stories, imperfectly told?"
I was GDI my freshmen year, too--determined to shed my over-achieving high school persona and just be a number at my huge public university. But the Greek system was dominant there, and all my friends were in it, and I had a bad dorm roommate experience (not quite Single White Female bad, but along those lines). I didn't stay long in my sorority, and I left in a self-righteous flame. I'm glad I had that experience, though. One of my best friends now is someone I met there. I think you are the queen of small stories, but often perfectly told.
This is so great! My favorite part was about how you were more comfortable with the photographer than with your friends and editors. I never had a very professional playboy photographer to compare it to, but definitely had some moments with friends that make me uncomfortable looking back. Oh, and the way your ex wanted to share about you in a way that raises his status in the machismo pecking order. Been there.
Rita, congratulations and thanks are in order. What an experience that was, and is. My feelings about the commodification of women's bodies are complicated. As you note, many women contend that sex is sold both implicitly and explicitly, and that it's their right to choose to do so and in which form. Others maintain that the industry is riddled with women who, as victims of sexual abuse at worst, or self-doubt, at best, are acting from places of prior trauma and social conditioning and are therefore not making sound decisions. I'm frustrated at how often conversations of this sort focus almost entirely on the woman's role and not on the man's. At its most basic, we're talking supply and demand, right? The market drives the perpetuation of it all, and I can't imagine how we go about changing that. A friend is listening to this book, so I've added it to my list (ever growing!). https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Complicit/Reah-Bravo/9781982154745
I also want to add that I think your college writing is quite good. You were 20, FFS! And look where you are now! I'm glad you posted the photo. No shame, girl. We're all on a bumpy journey here. And your 80s self reminds me so much of my own 80s self. Weren't we something?!
Thank you for the thoughtful read, Elizabeth. I think so many of us make unsound decisions from places of trauma and social conditioning, especially when men are involved; I certainly did when I was young. I think this experience has remained an important one to me because it was filled with contradictions. I was strong enough to negotiate higher pay! Getting it was an admission that I was letting myself be exploited! I felt a kind of sexual power I hadn't previously! I was seen as a girl! The Playboy people were supposed to be the creeps, but my editors and my boyfriend were less respectful than the Playboy people! There was a lot of gray area here for me, and I think there is whenever we're talking about exchanges of resources based in a woman's sexuality. I've seen pieces by women working in the sex industry who find the idea that they are all victims of abuse to be patronizing and inaccurate; seeing them only as victims acting from their victimhood denies them agency. I've seen others who frame the issue in terms of economic realities and the lack of choices that often exist for people living in or near poverty. I can't imagine how we change it, either, or that there are solutions that are fair to all women. I can imagine changing how we view women who engage in that work, and I think it starts by acknowledging ways in which sex and economic well-being are intertwined for all of us in the systems and institutions we are currently living in. (Yeah, looking even at you, Trad Wives. Maybe especially at you.) Really appreciate the link; that book looks interesting. And appreciate the reassurance that 20 year old me was all right. I mostly want to give her a hug. There were a lot of mixed messages we got in the 80s about how to be women.
Looks like I'll need to bump it up, too! I've placed a hold on the audiobook through my library. I had been listening to Four Thousand Weeks but had to return it before I finished it. That and this one are "several months' wait", so who knows what will squeak in between! Appreciate the thinking above and especially the ideas on where to begin now. #itscomplicated :)
Wow, Rita. You have tapped a rich vein here. It will power your writing for years to come. Some stories are never really finished. They evolve with the writer, and the sense of yet more to discover is part of what keeps the reader reading.
Thank you so much, Rona. I feel full of stories I've been afraid of getting wrong, and you are right: (re)writing this one is helping to break that fear down. The idea that this writing will power other pieces is so tremendously encouraging.
WOW, Rita, bravo, for writing this, and for many of the incidents you speak of here. We have much in common, Rita. There are times I finish your sentence in my head before I read it, because I lived it. Keep sharing your stories!!! 💕
Rita!!!!! Oh my gosh I am so glad you wrote this. It feels like you were waiting to write it just this way and at just this moment. It reads like it was written for me, and I bet every person reading it will feel the same way. The Benetton- esque varsity sweater and the details of the dismissive but co-opting ex, the yuk yuk editors, the professionalism of the Playboy staff, the lead up to now- so freaking powerful. Thank you thank you for writing this. It is amazing.
Thank you, Emily. I'm so glad it felt the way it felt to you, and to have a reader such as you. I really worked in this to apply the lessons we've been learning in WITD, especially the ones about trusting our readers to connect the dots.
It is masterful! I feel those dots and all the spaces in between.
If you'll pardon me glomming on, I 100% agree! Any writer knows crafting a piece like this, one that reaches deep into the past but ties seamlessly to the present, takes planning, patience, a wide lens, and no small amount of resolve. Nicely done, Rita!
Blushing here. 😊 So thankful for writer friends, and both of you have become that to me.
💜
💜
Lots to think about with this piece, Rita. Coincidentally, I read another essay just this past week — https://www.restorationbulletin.com/p/three-paradoxes-of-feminism — which also discussed the assertion that "sex work is work." I wonder if the place a woman lands on this argument (as well as on the subject of pornography—whether it's empowerment or exploitation), depends less on whether they place themselves on the political right or left, but instead hinges more on what they themselves have experienced over the course of their life. I'm two years younger than you and I consider myself a staunch feminist (and am firmly on the left politically), but I believe pornography and prostitution are hugely damaging not just to girls and women but to society at large. (I also, I admit, am resentful that some feminists have taken up the sex-work-is-work cause when they have seemingly completely abandoned the work-done-in-the-home-is-work cause.)
My hope with the piece is that it would provide more questions (things to think about) than answers. I also believe that pornography and prostitution are damaging to everyone, for a variety of reasons--but also that as long as we live in the systems we do it will exist. I linked to different perspectives on "sex work is work" in the footnotes, including an argument against this idea. In my reading I don't encounter feminists who argue that work done in the home isn't work; it's the opposite. But I do see critiques of the ways in which the reality that domestic labor is labor is being used to try to push women back into traditional gender roles. I think this piece is very much about women of our generation, or at least, the kind of woman I was (white, middle-class, protected in ways I wasn't aware of until much later). I remember becoming a mother at the height of what was called "the Mommy wars," when feminist ideas were used to divide us. Ultimately, I hope that's what this piece of writing I've made is really about--seeing through the ways in which women are judged, so that we can be supportive of each other.
Hi Rita--new reader here. There is a good deal in your closing paragraph that I disagree with and wanted to only respond to your comments about women having the right to decide how their bodies are used. If we look at the creation of human beings in a utilitarian way we strip them of their Imago Dei--images of God made to reflect Him in the world.
Normalizing pornography--its creation or use of/viewing--will only lead to more destruction in this country...
Some thoughts from the National Institute of Health on the matter, for reference:
"Internet pornography provides explicit content in various forms and can progress from habit to addiction. The consumption of online porn has risen due to the general use of current technology. The main reasons people consume it are sexual arousal and sexual enhancement. We planned this review study to identify the reasons for online pornography utilization, the mechanisms involved in its addiction, and its physiological, emotional, behavioral, social, and substance abuse effects. After a detailed literature search using PubMed Central and Google Scholar, four case studies and nine original articles from 2000 to 2022 were included. The main findings of the literature demonstrated that watching porn was most frequently done out of boredom, for sexual gratification, and to pick up new fashion and behavior ideas from these movies. In all facets of the users' lives, negative consequences were seen."
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9922938/
Sex work is work, yes, but fraught with violence, fear and entrapment because of sex trafficking, something that is running rampant in my Seattleland neighborhood. There is nothing good to say about it.
Also, Project 2025 from the Heritage Foundation might be a response to this:
https://c-fam.org/friday_fax/in-first-year-biden-spreads-pain-and-suffering-around-the-world/
"In his first 12 months in office, President Joe Biden has shown himself to be more aggressive on international social policy than either Barack Obama or Bill Clinton."
I'm so glad that I found some unexpected time to read this. I was waiting to pick up a friend and so glad that she was running late so that I could finish reading it on my phone. Why do we all judge our younger selves so harshly? I know I do. There was so much we didn't understand, not because we were stupid, but because we were young at a certain time in a certain place. On the craft level, if I may say so, this is beautifully structured -- a complicated timeline to manage. So many wonderful details -- I especially loved enjoying how your high heels sounded on the pavement. And a killer title. (And the white pantyhose! I had forgotten about them.) Thanks for this.
The white pantyhose were everything, weren't they? 🙂 Pantyhose! So grateful to younger women for moving us past those. I am working on not judging my younger self so harshly; I really did feel such shame (at least initially) at some parts of the original article I wrote. I didn't want to include a photo of it, but I want to accept my younger self in the same ways I accepted my young students when I was a teacher, or the ways I accept my children. And thank you so much for comments about craft. I worked hard at it! And a compliment on that from you means so much to me. I often read your essays first for enjoyment, and then as a lesson in craft.
What?! Wow! I’m flabbergasted. You made my day. I’m following up with a direct message later!
You were in a sorority‽ Oh that makes me smile. I was GDI [gosh darned independent] so my college memories are not like yours, although those hose in the last photo are familiar. I did nod my head in agreement about your assessment of who you were then, have come to be now. I completely agree: "but what is the world if not an anthology of small stories, imperfectly told?"
I was GDI my freshmen year, too--determined to shed my over-achieving high school persona and just be a number at my huge public university. But the Greek system was dominant there, and all my friends were in it, and I had a bad dorm roommate experience (not quite Single White Female bad, but along those lines). I didn't stay long in my sorority, and I left in a self-righteous flame. I'm glad I had that experience, though. One of my best friends now is someone I met there. I think you are the queen of small stories, but often perfectly told.
This is so great! My favorite part was about how you were more comfortable with the photographer than with your friends and editors. I never had a very professional playboy photographer to compare it to, but definitely had some moments with friends that make me uncomfortable looking back. Oh, and the way your ex wanted to share about you in a way that raises his status in the machismo pecking order. Been there.
Thank you, Amy. For seeing both me and my ex as I hoped to convey us! Sorry you've been there, too. And that so many of us have.
Rita, congratulations and thanks are in order. What an experience that was, and is. My feelings about the commodification of women's bodies are complicated. As you note, many women contend that sex is sold both implicitly and explicitly, and that it's their right to choose to do so and in which form. Others maintain that the industry is riddled with women who, as victims of sexual abuse at worst, or self-doubt, at best, are acting from places of prior trauma and social conditioning and are therefore not making sound decisions. I'm frustrated at how often conversations of this sort focus almost entirely on the woman's role and not on the man's. At its most basic, we're talking supply and demand, right? The market drives the perpetuation of it all, and I can't imagine how we go about changing that. A friend is listening to this book, so I've added it to my list (ever growing!). https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Complicit/Reah-Bravo/9781982154745
I also want to add that I think your college writing is quite good. You were 20, FFS! And look where you are now! I'm glad you posted the photo. No shame, girl. We're all on a bumpy journey here. And your 80s self reminds me so much of my own 80s self. Weren't we something?!
Thank you for the thoughtful read, Elizabeth. I think so many of us make unsound decisions from places of trauma and social conditioning, especially when men are involved; I certainly did when I was young. I think this experience has remained an important one to me because it was filled with contradictions. I was strong enough to negotiate higher pay! Getting it was an admission that I was letting myself be exploited! I felt a kind of sexual power I hadn't previously! I was seen as a girl! The Playboy people were supposed to be the creeps, but my editors and my boyfriend were less respectful than the Playboy people! There was a lot of gray area here for me, and I think there is whenever we're talking about exchanges of resources based in a woman's sexuality. I've seen pieces by women working in the sex industry who find the idea that they are all victims of abuse to be patronizing and inaccurate; seeing them only as victims acting from their victimhood denies them agency. I've seen others who frame the issue in terms of economic realities and the lack of choices that often exist for people living in or near poverty. I can't imagine how we change it, either, or that there are solutions that are fair to all women. I can imagine changing how we view women who engage in that work, and I think it starts by acknowledging ways in which sex and economic well-being are intertwined for all of us in the systems and institutions we are currently living in. (Yeah, looking even at you, Trad Wives. Maybe especially at you.) Really appreciate the link; that book looks interesting. And appreciate the reassurance that 20 year old me was all right. I mostly want to give her a hug. There were a lot of mixed messages we got in the 80s about how to be women.
PS: Another person I follow just recommended Complicit. I think it needs to move up on my TBR list.
Looks like I'll need to bump it up, too! I've placed a hold on the audiobook through my library. I had been listening to Four Thousand Weeks but had to return it before I finished it. That and this one are "several months' wait", so who knows what will squeak in between! Appreciate the thinking above and especially the ideas on where to begin now. #itscomplicated :)
An 8-week wait in my library 🙂 I currently have 17 on my holds list...
Wow, Rita. You have tapped a rich vein here. It will power your writing for years to come. Some stories are never really finished. They evolve with the writer, and the sense of yet more to discover is part of what keeps the reader reading.
Thank you so much, Rona. I feel full of stories I've been afraid of getting wrong, and you are right: (re)writing this one is helping to break that fear down. The idea that this writing will power other pieces is so tremendously encouraging.
I return to the pieces that mean most to me. In the age of digital publishing, I can share them as they evolve. Some will never be done. That’s okay.
I'm glad you wrote it.
WOW, Rita, bravo, for writing this, and for many of the incidents you speak of here. We have much in common, Rita. There are times I finish your sentence in my head before I read it, because I lived it. Keep sharing your stories!!! 💕