And what do you do with family stuff, if you have it?
I have tons of old family memorabilia and objects like lace and jewelry and dishes and silverware and furniture. Some of the stuff I've given to Goodwill or destroyed [letters and certificates and such]. BUT lots of it remains in my life because it needs to go to auction and I haven't the emotional bandwidth to deal with an auctioneer. Maybe one day...
[Rita, Substack makes me sign in every time I return here, even though I have an account on Substack. This involves them stopping me from commenting after I read your post, then sending me an email with a special time sensitive link to your post. I don't know if it just me, but thought you might want to know as it inhibits my ability to comment easily. Certainly I'm not the only account Substack plays games with.]
I don't know for sure, of course, but I suspect your great-grandmother wouldn't be upset with you for "wrecking" her quilt, and would likely have understood that with use, comes wear and tear. And again, I don't know for sure, but I also suspect she'd rather the second quilt was displayed or used, rather than tucked away in a box somewhere, even if that meant it lasted longer.
Last September I went "home" for the first time in six years and was handed a bag of things that my brother and SIL had set aside for me when they moved my mom from her apartment to her long-term care home. I still haven't worked up the courage to go through the bag because I know I will be torn about what to do with the items. On the same trip I visited my stepmother, who "inherited" all the items that my mother had left in the house when she separated from my dad. I ended up taking an embroidery that my mother made, even though it brings up bad memories, just because I couldn't bear the thought of it eventually going to Goodwill. (Unfortunately, I had to leave it at my MIL's house because it was too large for my suitcase. It is just one thing among a VAST collection in her basement, but I know that I will one day have to deal with it, or ask someone else to deal with it, which makes me feel guilty.) Because I had a difficult relationship with my mother, I find myself feeling very torn about keeping the things she made. But when I consider how I treasure the few small things that I have that belonged to my maternal grandparents (a wallet, a ring, and a small wooden stool), it makes me think I should be preserving some of my mother's things for her grandchildren. It probably goes without saying, but I find all of this extremely tricky!
I realize this post was mainly about creative legacies and family "stuff," but I just wanted to make a comment about women writers who are not "solely responsible for their own financial support." Why, I want to rail (at the world, not at you, Rita!) does it *always* come down to money? What about the countless ways a wife supports a husband? What about the small fact of a mother often being solely responsible for keeping a father's children alive while he goes off and earns money? Why does that not count? (Rhetorical questions only. No need to reply.)
I feel privileged to have read this Rita - thank you for giving me a window to a world I don't know. I suppose that's what writing is. Another way to be a quilt of everyday use .I shall carry that phrase with me xx
Ah the burden and joy of things/memorabilia/stuff/heirlooms... Of my great-grandparents we have almost nothing, of my grandparents, a little more, of my parents way too much, and I am swimming in stuff that I need to pare down before we move in June. I do think a good photograph can do wonders so the objects are documented before disintegration or donation or selling. My great grandmother's embroidery sampler that she made as a girl in 1880 is a treasure that my family's line does not possess - but I took a photograph of it, I can zoom into it, my mom and I went to the village on the shores of the Bosphorus where she made it. I don't need the sampler itself to have it and feel connected to my ancestor who made it.
We are kindred spirits, Rita. So many tales embedded in the threads, and grain, and dust of these old pieces. I really appreciate how you wrestled with the meaning of value, and how we attach and detach meaning across our lives. "Permanence, I know now, cannot be the determinant of artistic value, for either a creator or an audience." True, but I'm so grateful to have tangible evidence of those who were instrumental in me becoming me. I know there will be a point when the trappings of those generations, and their stories, will be lost. And then, I suppose, mine will be the next generation to be held and remembered, for a short little while. Beautiful essay!
I went minimalist for a few years and got rid of a lot of unimportant things but somehow managed to keep the better little things, a letter I wrote to my father aged 4, etc. I would love a quilt and have thought about making one for my children, but they wouldn’t want it. I think things should be used. As I’ve come out of minimalism and into mediumism that’s what Ive realised, especially as my kids just aren’t interested.
Why can't we live closer so we can discuss these amazing posts over coffee, tea, or pie?
Women have definitely evolved over time. I think that in the last 53 years, I have lived many lives, if that makes sense. I didn't particularly like Anna (yours, not mine). But then I think about my grandmother, and after doing soul homework, I realize I don't really like what she's said or done to my mother. NOW, times were very different, and they were under far more pressure in society and at home than we can imagine. It's just interesting to hear these stories. You write so beautifully and you make it sound like it happened last week, which is why it's so interesting.
That quilt is lovely. I have the quilt that my grandmother made for me and my ex-husband for our wedding on the bed in Anna's room/my office. I look at it every day. The dogs lay on it. It gets used. I don't think my grandma would like that. I love it.
I was going to write something else, but the post disappears when I comment, so I'll have to publish the comment and come back. Brain fog is the worst.
And what do you do with family stuff, if you have it?
I have tons of old family memorabilia and objects like lace and jewelry and dishes and silverware and furniture. Some of the stuff I've given to Goodwill or destroyed [letters and certificates and such]. BUT lots of it remains in my life because it needs to go to auction and I haven't the emotional bandwidth to deal with an auctioneer. Maybe one day...
[Rita, Substack makes me sign in every time I return here, even though I have an account on Substack. This involves them stopping me from commenting after I read your post, then sending me an email with a special time sensitive link to your post. I don't know if it just me, but thought you might want to know as it inhibits my ability to comment easily. Certainly I'm not the only account Substack plays games with.]
I don't know for sure, of course, but I suspect your great-grandmother wouldn't be upset with you for "wrecking" her quilt, and would likely have understood that with use, comes wear and tear. And again, I don't know for sure, but I also suspect she'd rather the second quilt was displayed or used, rather than tucked away in a box somewhere, even if that meant it lasted longer.
Last September I went "home" for the first time in six years and was handed a bag of things that my brother and SIL had set aside for me when they moved my mom from her apartment to her long-term care home. I still haven't worked up the courage to go through the bag because I know I will be torn about what to do with the items. On the same trip I visited my stepmother, who "inherited" all the items that my mother had left in the house when she separated from my dad. I ended up taking an embroidery that my mother made, even though it brings up bad memories, just because I couldn't bear the thought of it eventually going to Goodwill. (Unfortunately, I had to leave it at my MIL's house because it was too large for my suitcase. It is just one thing among a VAST collection in her basement, but I know that I will one day have to deal with it, or ask someone else to deal with it, which makes me feel guilty.) Because I had a difficult relationship with my mother, I find myself feeling very torn about keeping the things she made. But when I consider how I treasure the few small things that I have that belonged to my maternal grandparents (a wallet, a ring, and a small wooden stool), it makes me think I should be preserving some of my mother's things for her grandchildren. It probably goes without saying, but I find all of this extremely tricky!
I realize this post was mainly about creative legacies and family "stuff," but I just wanted to make a comment about women writers who are not "solely responsible for their own financial support." Why, I want to rail (at the world, not at you, Rita!) does it *always* come down to money? What about the countless ways a wife supports a husband? What about the small fact of a mother often being solely responsible for keeping a father's children alive while he goes off and earns money? Why does that not count? (Rhetorical questions only. No need to reply.)
I feel privileged to have read this Rita - thank you for giving me a window to a world I don't know. I suppose that's what writing is. Another way to be a quilt of everyday use .I shall carry that phrase with me xx
Ah the burden and joy of things/memorabilia/stuff/heirlooms... Of my great-grandparents we have almost nothing, of my grandparents, a little more, of my parents way too much, and I am swimming in stuff that I need to pare down before we move in June. I do think a good photograph can do wonders so the objects are documented before disintegration or donation or selling. My great grandmother's embroidery sampler that she made as a girl in 1880 is a treasure that my family's line does not possess - but I took a photograph of it, I can zoom into it, my mom and I went to the village on the shores of the Bosphorus where she made it. I don't need the sampler itself to have it and feel connected to my ancestor who made it.
We are kindred spirits, Rita. So many tales embedded in the threads, and grain, and dust of these old pieces. I really appreciate how you wrestled with the meaning of value, and how we attach and detach meaning across our lives. "Permanence, I know now, cannot be the determinant of artistic value, for either a creator or an audience." True, but I'm so grateful to have tangible evidence of those who were instrumental in me becoming me. I know there will be a point when the trappings of those generations, and their stories, will be lost. And then, I suppose, mine will be the next generation to be held and remembered, for a short little while. Beautiful essay!
I went minimalist for a few years and got rid of a lot of unimportant things but somehow managed to keep the better little things, a letter I wrote to my father aged 4, etc. I would love a quilt and have thought about making one for my children, but they wouldn’t want it. I think things should be used. As I’ve come out of minimalism and into mediumism that’s what Ive realised, especially as my kids just aren’t interested.
Why can't we live closer so we can discuss these amazing posts over coffee, tea, or pie?
Women have definitely evolved over time. I think that in the last 53 years, I have lived many lives, if that makes sense. I didn't particularly like Anna (yours, not mine). But then I think about my grandmother, and after doing soul homework, I realize I don't really like what she's said or done to my mother. NOW, times were very different, and they were under far more pressure in society and at home than we can imagine. It's just interesting to hear these stories. You write so beautifully and you make it sound like it happened last week, which is why it's so interesting.
That quilt is lovely. I have the quilt that my grandmother made for me and my ex-husband for our wedding on the bed in Anna's room/my office. I look at it every day. The dogs lay on it. It gets used. I don't think my grandma would like that. I love it.
I was going to write something else, but the post disappears when I comment, so I'll have to publish the comment and come back. Brain fog is the worst.
Yes you are completely right. I wasn’t looking at it that way, but yes!