The great Facebook unfriending of 2024
Applying the idea of "fewer, better things" to online life
I know, I know: Facebook is hardly even a thing anymore.
More than once, I’ve thought about leaving it, experimented with leaving it, decided to leave it—and then didn’t actually leave it. That’s because there are some people I really only connect with there, and I haven’t wanted to lose my connection with them. I know there are other ways of staying in touch, but I also know that we aren’t likely to use any of them. And so I haven’t left Facebook, even though there’s much about it I haven’t liked for a pretty long time.
In retrospect, I can see that instead I did a kind of quiet quitting, probably around the time everyone was quietly quitting a whole lot of things. (Remember quiet quitting? That feels so long ago, doesn’t it?) I just stopped sharing or reading much of anything, without making any big announcements about it to myself or anyone else.
Part of my retreat was about the nature of Facebook—how it started showing me posts from only a few people on my Friends list, all the ads, my growing dislike and distrust of all the tech bros (not just the whiny man-baby who bought and trashed a whole platform so he could influence the presidential election) and my desire not to feed their machines. But a bigger part was social media fatigue from the first Trump term and the pandemic; I needed distance from the onslaught of inflammatory memes that filled my feed, and I also wanted a break from those who posted only toxically positive messages or who seemed to be living in some alternate 2010 reality. (I mostly respect anyone’s approach to participating in a way that works for them. I’m just saying what wasn’t working work for me.) With only a few exceptions, it seemed that those I most liked hearing from had also checked out.
It just wasn’t fun anymore.
As we head into even rockier times than we’ve already known, I’ve been reconsidering my use of Facebook and Instagram and their potential as tools for supporting and being supported by those I consider to be my people, especially those who don’t live close to me. Social media is several different kinds of problematic, and there may come a time when those channels don’t feel like a good option, but I don’t think we’re there yet. Not for people like me, sharing in the ways I want to share. I don’t want to become a silo, and I don’t want to cede sources of possible fun.
As I’ve been reflecting on my relationships and boundaries with others, I’ve realized that another big reason I’d stopped sharing on social media is that there were just too many people on my Friends list that I didn’t feel so comfortable with. With some, it was that I know we don’t share the same world view and our relationship isn’t important enough to overcome that difference. With others, we interacted so little and they posted so little that I wasn’t even sure of their world view. While there is a time and place and way to interact with those who see the world differently from me, I realized that I don’t want Facebook (or Instagram) to be one of those places.
It was this realization that resulted in my Great Facebook Unfriending of 2024.
I’m not talking about the kind of unfriending that happened in the early years of social media, when an unfriending was some kind of big deal, an internet way of saying “you are dead to me.” Or just: We are done. I want nothing more to do with you.
I have no beef with anyone I unfriended and I wish none of them ill. My big unfriending (I let more than 100 people go) is more an internet way of saying: Our tie isn’t strong, and that’s OK. Peace out.
Back in the 90’s, anthropologist Robin Dunbar shared a theory that humans can’t sustain more than about 150 meaningful relationships.1 In a recent article, he defined a meaningful relationship as one with “those people you know well enough to greet without feeling awkward if you ran into them in an airport lounge.”2 Although some researchers are now questioning his ideas, I know I have limited capacity for maintaining relationships. (Yeah, I’m that person who sometimes pretends, while out in public, that I didn’t see someone I know.) I also know I want to do a better job with the ones that matter to me.
In the past, I used social media for a variety of purposes, but now I want my social media “friends” to be actual friends. (And: I don’t have to know someone IRL for them to be an “actual friend.” I’ve forged years-long online friendships with people I might never meet. Some of them know more about my life than most people who are physically in my life.) In the first round of unfriending, I let go of anyone who didn’t pass the Dunbar airport test, as well as those I have met in real life but probably wouldn’t recognize if I ran into them in an airport.
What are the other reasons I unfriended?
Our only connection was professional. (I decided that FB is going to be a place to maintain friendships, not professional relationships.)
We haven’t interacted in any significant way on the platform or in real life for years (or maybe ever).
The other person doesn’t post and hasn’t for a long time. (I realized I want some promise of reciprocity in our online relationship.)
Our connection is not deep and the other person is connected to multiple people I don’t feel very comfortable with.
Their posts often trigger something negative for me, and while I care for them, I don’t want that experience.
If someone is still on my Friends list, it means that they are people I trust and feel some kind of genuine connection with. They are someone I feel OK about sharing aspects of my real self with. They’re someone I think won’t be annoyed by the links I share. (Because I’m gonna share links! That’s who I am.)
As I’ve shifted to a purposely small life, I’ve embraced the idea of “fewer, better things.” I’m weaning myself off fast everything, and I’m working on taking better care of the things I have. As I’ve become more careful about what I bring and let into my life, I try to choose those that fit who I really am and the life I really live, as opposed to what I might like to aspire to. I think these principles can apply as much to relationships as to things.
This is a recent experiment and I might decide this was a terrible idea, but already I’m now seeing posts from friends that the algorithm hadn’t been putting in front of me. It’s been great to catch up with folks I haven’t “seen” in a long time, and I’m enjoying sharing more bits from my life, too. We’ll see how it goes.
You know I’d love to have a conversation about all of this—how you use social media, why, and how it fits in with your ideas about living a good, small life. Are you feeling differently in light of current events? What do you gain and lose from it? Am I out to lunch in thinking that it can be redeemed?
As always, it means so much to me if you give this a heart. It helps others see my work and gives me some validation for doing it (and who doesn’t like some validation?) Subscribing is cool, too. 🙂
https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20191001-dunbars-number-why-we-can-only-maintain-150-relationships
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/05/11/science/dunbars-number-debunked.html
I unfriended quite a few people about year ago, and made generous use of the unfollow button on a few dozen who I couldn't quite get away with unfriending (relatives, local friend-of-a-friend situations, etc.), but whose daily appearance in my feed I found, to be perfectly honest, fucking exhausting. It helped a lot. While I like your attitude about "we don't have strong ties, peace out," I'm evaluating this again because of current affairs in terms of safety, preserving my peace, and not giving certain mindsets room on my feed. Do more people need to go? Probably. Do I wish I had a platform that allowed my online community easy access to each other without the junkiness of FB and other social media? Absolutely yes.
I'll be vulnerable and say that I am really struggling with this idea in general. I fully support your choice and even understand why you made it. I may even admit that part of me wants to do the same. However, as much as I want to protect my peace, I also do not want to create further division. I don't know how to get people to come together again and certainly not how to find common
ground. I. Am. Struggling.